Pencil Shavings
Showing posts with label ms anthrope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ms anthrope. Show all posts

Thursday, July 20, 2006

i think i know who you are

I form opinions of the bloggers I read just from their blogs. Some
bloggers I'm very fond of – I don't mean I'm fond of their writing,
I'm actually fond of who I think they are.

Smole told me today that I am more cynical in this blog than I am in
real life. It surprised me because I don't remember being
particularly vindictive, apart from that brief episode with Ms
Anthrope. It'll be interesting to compare a "real" friend's opinion
with a "virtual" friend's opinion, and perhaps somewhere in between
you'll find the real misnomer. (haha, I love the irony of that
sentence!)

In any case, all this narcissism is making me sick.

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Back

I'm back. I've finally got Ms Anthrope, my evil twin, out of my system, at least for another year or so. I've put her back into the hole of my guitar just as she was planning to insert a script into this blogspot address to have it re-directed to her own blog. Luckily for me, msanthrope.blogspot.com and missanthrope.blogspot.com were already taken by other sarcastic bloggers and she had to settle for mrsanthrope.blogspot.com, but she hates that blog address with a passion.

I'm sorry I've been gone. You guys have been very patient with me, thank you. I promise a whimsical post, a running post, a book review post, and a content-free (copyright Eric) post in the works. Meanwhile I've got a meeting to go to.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Lesson #9: On Reality Shows

You will never be able to guess what Ms Nomer and her friend Smole have been up to while I’ve been patiently blog-sitting Pencil Shavings. You’ll never hear it from Ms Nomer herself either, since she is so miserably shy and defensive about her privacy, but I’ll tell you; heck, I’ll tell you anything if it is to my advantage: they are busy making a three-minute audition tape for the Amazing Race Asia.

I watch from my hole in the guitar and laugh at their conceit: they think that people will be interested in watching them on TV!

Ms Nomer: “Hi my name is Ms Nomer and this is my best buddy Smole.”

Smole (in the sweetest Ms Universe voice): “We are both 28 and we come from the sunny island of Singapore!”

Together: “And we want to be on the Amazing Race!”

Makes you want to cringe in your seat, really, if it wasn’t so funny to begin with.

If TV makes people have unrealistic expectations about what life should be like, reality TV is even better. It blurs the line between what is real and what is made-up: Everybody can be a star! (American Idol) You can be the next Donald Trump! (The Apprentice) My life is so interesting that I want to broadcast every minute detail to the entire world! (Big Brother) Life is just a back-stabbing game to the top! (Survivor). Quite brilliant, actually. Who would have thought of it? That real life should be more absorbing than fiction?

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Sunday, March 19, 2006

Lesson #8: On fasting

(For Smole, in point-form, so she doesn’t feel like she needs a highlighter when she reads these long-winded posts.)

  1. Ms Nomer is fasting from fast food this Lent.
  2. The more she tries to abstain from fast food, the more obsessed she has been about food in general.
  3. Which means she is eating a lot more this Lent, as evidenced in the list of what she consumed yesterday.
    1. 1 lor mai kai (glutinous rice with chicken)
    2. 2 cups of coffee, with milk and sugar
    3. 2 pieces fried chicken
    4. Coleslaw
    5. Mashed potatoes
    6. 1 cup coke
    7. 2 Crystal Jade char siew bao (Stewed meat bun)
    8. 1 pork floss bun
    9. 1 plate Halal chicken rice, and
    10. 1 spoonful chicken soup with pasta
  4. Which led Pink tutu to message her: “No wonder you need to exercise and I dun! ;) ”
  5. Which is perfectly smoozy with me.

Yours,
Anthrope

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Lesson #7: On `going full-time'

For the uninitiated, `going full-time' is a loaded word for the protestant Singaporean Christian. It means taking the plunge and signing the dotted line with God – wearing the collar, toting the line, walking the talk, serving Holy Communion, conducting funerals, or whatever you want to call it.

Now the protestant Singapore Christian Church has one of the most hardworking groups of volunteer lay folk in the world, not counting the indefatigable mountain-praying South Koreans of course. No matter what month it is, something is going on: an all-night prayer meeting in the heartlands, distribution of oranges in the neighbourhood during Chinese New Year, mooncakes during Mooncake Festival, loaves of bread in ordinary time, Chinese evangelical concerts, seeker-sensitive plays, festivals of praise, church camps, healing services, leadership seminars, walk-a-tons to raise money, oh the numerous fund-raisers! Golf tournaments, car washings, flyers in the mail, fancy dinners, charity concerts, swim-a-tons, flag days, the selling of cookies, calendars, seasoned meat, pineapple tarts – you name it, they’re doing it. They are so worn-out from their running around they can’t tell their tail from their head.

So for many of these lay people, `going full time’ is like a dream come true. They dream of a time when they don’t have to rush to church for a five-hour meeting after a long and stressful day at work, or feel pressured by their secular bosses’ unethical demands, or their colleague’s back-biting, or the unending rat-race to the top. They think, “How wonderful it would be to do God’s work full-time! 8 hours a day without any distraction! To be able to focus on the things that truly matter in life!”

Ah, but as they say, the grass is always (deceptively) greener on the other side. These good-hearted folks have some ridiculous expectations of `full-time ministry’ – they expect God to speak to them every morning, that their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ will be kind, loving, and above all, submissive to their Spirit-led ideas, that the church members will listen to them ‘cos they have a “Rev” in front of their names, that the church, above all, will have absolutely no politics. They completely miss the point! Just like the British forces missed the point when they pointed their loaded cannons towards the South-China Sea – because the Japanese were invading with bicycles from Malaysia.

Missing the point

Without the army of lay people, the Singapore church is worth nothing. I would rather they all sign up to be pastors and priests and have them completely absorbed with their local church going-ons that they forget that there is a larger world outside their four walls.

Yours in service,
Ms Anthrope

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Thursday, March 16, 2006

Lesson #6: On Evil

What is evil but the perversion of good? You moderns don’t know the least about evil. You picture a horned demon that tempts other people to steal, kill and destroy. When you read the newspapers about how a 8 year-old Chinese girl was lured, raped, killed, and dumped in a wooded area, you shake your head and say, “What is this world coming to?” And you think that it could never happen to you, or the ones you love, because it is too sick.

What you don’t know is that evil is simply the other face of good. Evil does not exist as a real being. Contrary to what you, you and you think (or may not think), I am not evil personified! I cannot exist without the existence of good; I cannot tempt where good intentions do not abound; I am merely Ms Nomer's evil twin. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say.

Why does a mother abort a baby? Because she doesn’t have enough money to give the baby a good life. Why does a security guard storm into his wife’s office, shoot her and then himself? Because he is too heart-broken from his unreciprocated love. Why does a woman throw a 4 year-old toddler out from the 6th floor? Because the toddler is the child of her lover who cheated her money and her feelings. Why does the scientist want to make a clone of a human? So that we don’t have to die from leukemia or heart attacks or cancer anymore.

Remember this when you are the most self-righteous – evil is in your heart. That is why Ms Nomer would have made a lousy lawyer. She would not be able to talk to the tax dodger, the thief, the cheat, the murderer, the drug pusher, the bully, the liar, or the adulterer without seeing her own heart reflected there.

Your good queen,
Anthrope

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Lesson #5: On Freedom and Having Fun

Diabolical. Don’t you love the way that word rolls off the tongue? I think I may have to have that embossed on my name card in the future: The diabolical tyrant. Lovely. It is always important to state your credentials on your business card clearly. If you have twelve alphabets after your name, be sure to print them all! Make sure not to neglect the quality of the paper and printing – use only the finest material, because a name card is the measure of a man.

Anyway, I digress. Today’s quiz question for my readers is this: who do you suppose is truly free, the Christian or the heathen? Put another way, who do you suppose has more fun? You heathens out there will be puzzled by this question because the answer seems obvious to you. You think, of course those who don’t feel like they have to obey a god get more fun out of life. Christians are wet blankets – no cigarettes, no drinking, no fucking around, no cussing, no skimpy clothes, no nothin’ at all. Worse, they keep trying to ruin everyone’s fun by saying that everyone should live by their rule book, just like John the Baptist did to Herod when he told him that he was committing adultery by taking another wife. Christian spoilsports like them end up with their heads on platters.

You Christians shake your head sadly because you know that the heathens just don’t get it. You say, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free” and “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed!” Of course these statements sound like self-evident conundrums outside your little society of Christian brethren, but somehow you know that your freedom is the exhilarating freedom from sin – from the things that kill you silently every time you do it – and you know that the heathens are the ones who are really the slaves to their own selfish and awful desires, leading them in a spiralling circle into death and despair. Your Christian fun revolves around strumming guitars, potluck dinners, fundraising for the needy, and knowing that you have found what you call the greatest treasure in the entire world.

Let me offer an answer to the converse question to clarify our thinking on this matter. The people who are the least free and get the least fun in life are neither the Christians nor the heathens, they are the half-hearted Christians who have fallen back. These are the ones who have tasted of the goodness of the Lord and have turned back; yet, try as they might to forget by losing themselves in this world, they cannot forget, and the taste lingers on their tongue forever, like a childhood scent on a blanket. And so, even as they lose themselves in the pleasures of the world, they can never be as happy as the heathen, because that taste keeps coming back, making them want to retch . every . single . time .

These are the truly suffering souls, men and women after my own diabolical heart. Now, ny dear readers, which are you?

Freely freely,
Anthrope

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Lesson #4: On Blogging

This will be my last post because blogging is for wimps, and so all the better suited for my wimpy half, Ms Nomer. Besides it will keep her from doing what is important in life and keep her under the age-old deceit: that talking about it is the same as doing it.

She calls this blog Pencil Shavings, and that is exactly what she will have at the end of the day, a pile of wooden shavings, worth nothing, spent and useless. Do you suppose blogging is the shaving of the pencil, or is the pencil already shaved, and blogging is just the gathering of the shavings? But it doesn't matter, at the end of it, there will be no pencil left anyway.

Don't be too gleeful yet, especially you, Mr Jim (or Mr Old Fashioned aka Romantic); it may be harder to get rid of me than you think!

Constipatedly yours,
Anthrope (Ms)

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Lesson #3: On love

All night long I have been out sowing love among my countrymen, so I will keep this post short. Now, if you are surprised that such a being as I should sow love, you need to be educated. Love is one of my best-kept secret weapons. Because of love, men will focus only on their immediate family, ignoring social justice. Because of love, men will commit sins of the flesh. Because of love, the young ones will build castles of fancy that can never come true. Because of love, many will kill themselves. So, I've got to go now, I am a very busy person.

Signing off,
Anthrope

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Monday, March 13, 2006

Lesson #2: Be Happy

I am not unreasonable. In fact, it is my humble opinion that I am far more reasonable and rational in my philosophy than my counterpart, Ms Nomer. In the previous post, I said that it was important to prioritise and to channel your energy into a worthwhile cause if you want to have something to show at the end of the day. And all of you nod your servile heads in agreement. But what is a worthwhile cause, you wonder?

Though by no means do I wish to prescribe what is worthy of your life’s endeavour, I would like to suggest this as the most worthy cause for a human being: being happy. The logic by which I reach this conclusion cannot be faulted. By the end of this post, you will have to agree that this is by far the best, the most meaningful, the most excellent goal of all human endeavour.

Let me ask a question: how many things do you know for sure to be true? Some of you will say: the physical laws I know to be true, such as gravity and melting points and the like. But I ask, is gravity true in space? Isn’t it only true only within the context of your experience, that is, here on earth? An apple falls on Newton’s head somewhere in the continent of Europe. Will that same apple fall universally?

The fact remains that everything that we observe is only true within certain parameters. We cannot be absolutely and completely certain of anything. Does that mean that there is no such thing as absolute truth? Does that mean we are left to flounder in perpetual flux?

Ah, but there is one thing that is sure: that which is within our own hearts. If you cannot have faith in what you observe, have faith in the instrument! As long as you are satisfied, you are true to yourself, and that happiness can never be taken away from you. Does making a name for yourself make you happy? Work your butt off for that cause. Does experiencing new things make you happy? Do it until you want something else, then do that instead. Does doing good to others give you fulfilment? Seek to exceed Christ in good works!

This way, at the end of your life, you will have no regrets and can at least say: I have been true to myself, the one thing that I am certain of.

Gaily yours,
Anthrope

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Saturday, March 11, 2006

Lesson #1: Prioritise

If you want to succeed in life, you need to prioritise. You've got to channel your energy and ambition into a cause that you want. I'm not being didatic about what are worthy or unworthy causes, it's your call, but you've just got to decide.

Look at Ms Nomer. She is out running this morning and guess where she is running to? To work. On a Saturday morning, and get this, to pick up 5 Bibles to give to Cambodian children. Let me ask you this: you say the Word of the God is sweeter than honey, but can this book fill a child's empty stomach? Or is it just to placate them and keep them from rising up from under the yoke of injustice? Thank god these well-meaning foreign missionaries did not go while Cambodia was still under the Commmunist Khmer Rouge, for if so, I'll bet my bottom dollar that the people would still be suffering atrocities today.

Religion is a medicine. To soothe, to placate, to numb. It's good for developed countries like America because it is an alternative lifestyle. Like I said at first, I'm not being didactic about what is a worthy or an unworthy cause. If you wanna be a famous and rich pastor, by all means go ahead, but make sure that your energy is channeled and that the end of the day, you have something to show for it.

Look at that fool Richard Foster. For a period, he was the most sought after Christian speaker in the world! But he threw it all away to tend to a mentally retarded invalid, refusing to accept speaking engagements, saying that he has "retired" from public life. Retired my foot! You only have one life my friend. Squander it, and it will disappear as smoke from a smoldering log.

Wilfully yours,
Anthrope

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Mwhahahhaha!

Hi, let me introduce myself. I am Ms Anthrope, Ms Nomer’s evil twin. Ms Nomer usually keeps me locked up in the circle hollow of her guitar, torturing me with love ballads late into the night. Have you ever heard her pluck her guitar and belt the sorrowful dirge “Why does the sun go on shining?” at midnight? It makes you wish you were dead.

Well, she forgot to lock me in tonight in her haste to go to bed early in preparation for a morning run tomorrow, so I’ve escaped and hijacked her blog. It is a mark of my superior intelligence, ability and personality that I’ve taken over this blog. Besides, this blog has been wishy-washy for far too long! Ms Nomer doesn’t know who she is, what she wants, where she is going, or even how she got to where she is. Look at the name she chose for herself, for crying out loud! This blog needs a leader.

Needless to say, I know exactly where I am going with this blog now that I’ve taken over ownership. No more of this sentimental feel-good crap. No more geeky book reviews; no more mundane run reports; and especially, no more teenage angst.

Ms Anthrope will lead you and be your queen.

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