The performance bonus

I don't write anymore. I don't know why. Maybe it is because nobody comes to this site anymore, except for Japanese spammers who fill my comments with characters I cannot understand. I don't think it really matters what I say, which paradoxically, gives me the freedom to say what I want.

I'm sad and frustrated today. The performance bonus is out. Personally, I'm happy because I got an unexpected sum of money that I can use to buy recliners for my parents, bright happy blue shoes for myself, a present for my -f. On the other hand, I'm upset because just as I got a good bonus, others got nothing at all. It's a double-edged sword. The deal is this: half will receive more than the normative bonus, half will receive less. Is the encouragement to the top half worth the discouragement faced by the bottom? It makes sense if the bottom half are all taking it easy on purpose because they value a proper work-life balance, but what gets to me is that the assessment system is not as fair or impartial as it makes itself out to be. What happens when the management chooses to see you in a particular light, refusing to see the effort you have put it, the improvements you have made, and the strengths that you have? What if the management chooses to nitpick, because after all, someone has to be that sacrificial one to have that failing grade? It upsets me, and I want vindication for a friend of mine.

I don't really know why some people have it easier than others. All my life I've been blessed. It's as if someone is paving the way in front of me, as if God is unreservedly pouring his blessings in my life. I did nothing to deserve this. Sometimes I worry that something terrible is going to happen because nobody deserves to be this blessed; yet, I always quickly think: No. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God's grace (and perhaps my parents' faith), so why shouldn't his blessings be full, unreserved, overflowing, undeserved?

So I got a performance bonus. But what I have performed, and curiously, who am I performing for? All I have done is what is to be expected of a teacher; all my friend has done is the same, but she got no bonus. What is it they are rewarding? Calibre? Favor? Certainly, not attitude nor results because she has both. It is befuddling. Ultimately, at the end of the day, I think it is important to look back at all our "performance"—all our efforts and achievements, and to say—it is simply our duty, and then to remember that we don't perform for our bosses or for our bonuses, but for the Most High God from whom all blessings flow, including the unspeakable blessing of the life and breath in our bones. Then, I think, we would do him proud.