Today

Today I feel spiffy because:
a. I have a new deuter backpack that has a pocket for everything imaginable.
b. I have a new haircut that colleague complimented in lift this morning.
c. Mondays and spiffiness just go hand in hand.
d. I had prata and teh tarik for breakfast.

Today I will:
a. Do absolutely no work if possible.
b. Add "spunk" to a presentation so kids won't fall asleep at my boss' talk.
c. Visit blogs and post inane comments.
d. Set my countdown timer for 5:30pm.

Today,
a. the blossoms are still clinging to the vine
b. I've tasted a strawberry and it was sour
c. I've drunk a shot of intoxicating Mediterranean wine
d. I've contemplated a million tomorrows and it makes me feel like banging my head against the wall

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Farce Around the M.R.T.

"And now we interupt this tedious blog journey to say that Pencil Shavings is brought to you today by the letters `F' and `T', and the vowels `A' and `R'."

The guy beside me on the train this morning had serious flatulence issues. Seriously, every two minutes or so, I would hear a disturbing sound being emitted on my right. It sounded like someone puckered his lips and forcefully blew air through them so that they vibrated with sound, except his was more, how do I put it?, erm.. air-filled. This lasted all the way from Changi Airport to City Hall, where I thankfully got off the train for the shorter leg of my journey.

Typically, the train at the morning peak hour was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. Everyone was either asleep, reading the papers, or quietly sulking about having to go to work. Or at least all was quiet until..... bthpthpthpthpth! I watched amusedly as the commuters sitting in front of me glance furtively to their left, some with looks of disgust, some with bewilderment, and perhaps a scary few with admiration. The man in question would continue to look non-chalantly at his reflection, completely unaware of the furtive glances in his direction. Then everybody would get back to what they were doing, until the next interuption erupted.

All I can say is that I'm glad I don't take this train everyday.

N.B. I am truly sorry if said person had stomach problems, or had to breathe through an unmentionable hole, or has had a tracheostomy.

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Things people actually said in court.

I found this by way of Mr Brown's site. It is hilarious. These are things people actually said in court, taken down word for word by the court reporters.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 18th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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I should have stayed home today. What was I thinking?

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it is the witching hour

I've been missing, I'm sorry. Sometimes I'm afraid that someone I know will chance upon his blog, and will have free access to my writing. I like to keep my "virtual" and real-life friends apart. This way, perhaps, I will have more freedom to write. But my fear of being found out keeps me from writing about my life anyway. But how long can you write about current affairs, points of doctrine, silly blank verses, etc.? Sooner or later, the things in my life will press into these words, and make its presence felt.

And life is pressing in. Today, when I walked into my flat, I started crying. Now I don't know why I'm telling you that, when I can't tell you why, but perhaps you can sympathise with the symptoms without knowing the story. Perhaps you will sympathise better this way.

I write differently at night than at the office. The words come from deeper inside, and mean more than the lines I throw out in the morning. The keyboard is my friend late at night. And I find myself in the words. Perhaps only to lose myself again, but at least for half an hour tonight, I am here.

Did you ever imagine that life would turn out this way? I think I will always be surprised.

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bloggin' in verse

She was immersed,
"Shall I blog in blank verse?"
Will it scare away,
the few who stray this way?
Or cause such a fright,
That twenty-five take flight?

You say, "Wah, nothing to do izzit?"
I say, "My blog lah, just beat it!"
Snuff it! eat it! miss it! stuff it!
Quit it! sock knit! toilet seat! bleep!

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Today

It’ll cost ya lad, what ya want
Triple what it cost last month.
Quadruple what you make a day,
Thirty-five counting lingerie.

They say, ‘Love is priceless, true and rare,
Don’t matter you’re not a millionaire.’
But love has many hidden costs,
Pricetags aplenty to your loss.

So grit your teeth and swipe your card,
Purchase flowers and win her heart;
Or coat in honey the sweetest rhyme,
“I’m sorry hon, Overtime.”

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Still on bright lights and sneezes

I was wrong. Apparently you sneeze in reaction to the light, not in reaction to your pupil contracting. This is known as the photic sneeeze reflex, or ACHOO syndrome (haha!). For a certain percentage of the poplution, the nerve pathways of the normal reflex of the eye in response to light and the sneezing reflex are crossed, so looking at a bright light causes them to sneeze. Read this guy's answer to the question: "Why do we sneeze when we look at the sun?"

----

An excellent question. This is far more complicated than you might imagine. Since the detailed answer below got kind of long, I will summarize the main points up front. About 25% of people do actually sneeze when exposed to bright lights like the sun. We do not know exactly why this happens, but it might reflect a "crossing" of pathways in the brain, between the normal reflex of the eye in response to light and the sneezing reflex. There is no apparent benefit from "sun-sneezing", and it probably is nothing more than an unimportant (but annoying) holdover of evolution.

What is the mechanism by which sun-sneezing occurs? What actually makes it happen? The simplest answer is that we don’t really know. There are many theories that I won’t get into specifically, since most require a detailed understanding of brain anatomy to even describe. What I will try to do instead is to briefly explain the nature of the sneeze reflex and offer a simple understanding of how light might act as a trigger.

What is a sneeze? Well, everybody knows what a sneeze is, but try and describe it sometime! The fact is, a sneeze is a very complicated thing, involving many areas of the brain. A sneeze is a reflex triggered by sensory stimulation of the membranes in the nose, resulting in a coordinated and forceful expulsion of air through the mouth and nose. A "reflex" means that some type of stimulation of your body causes you to react in a way that is NOT under your control, in other words you do it automatically without thinking and you can’t even stop it. Your body has many reflexes - the other one important to us here is called the "pupillary light reflex". If you shine a light in your eyes, your pupils get smaller, or constrict. You should be able to see this easily in a friend using a flashlight (or in the mirror).

In the pupillary light reflex, shining a light in the eye causes nerve signals to go from the eye to the brain and then back the eye again, telling the pupil to constrict. In the usual sneeze reflex, tickling the nose causes nerve signals to go from the nose to the brain and then back out to the nose, mouth, chest muscles and everything else involved in the actual sneeze. The key point is that the nerve signals take complicated routes through the brain, but usually the pupillary light reflex and sneeze reflex take different routes. Apparently what happens in sun-sneezers is that shining a bright enough light in the eye ALSO sends nerves signals from the eye to the brain and then back out to the nose, mouth and chest! In short, the wires are crossed a little bit in some people, and so shining a light in the eye "accidentally" activates two different outgoing pathways.
Tom Wilson, MD PhD

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Why do you sneeze when you look at the light?

Steph, who laughs at me for saying “tree trees”, taught me this one – when you feel a sneeze coming but for some reason can’t get it out, look at the light and you will sneeze.

I didn’t believe her. I thought, “What a weird American old wives’ tale!”, but I tried it anyway (since she was my friend and all). It worked like magic. I have never looked back since.

It only struck me today the reason why you should sneeze when you look at the light. I think it has something to do with you pupil contracting in reaction to the light. Somehow, that tiny movement in the radial muscles of your eye triggers something off and preps your muscles to contract quickly for the sneeze. So you sneeze.

N.B. I don’t believe I turned on my computer and dialled up my pathetically slow internet connection just to write this down. I swear this must be an eureka moment.

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sometimes you just gotta laugh out loud

I got this in my mail today:

"Dear mission supporter and friends,

`...As recommended by a few churches and individuals, we will launch another MISS A MEAL FOR MISSIONS for 8 days during the Holy Week from 20 to 27 March 2005...'

`...During these 8 days, you and other members from your family and friends are encouraged to miss a meal (either a breakfast or lunch or dinner or supper) and contribute the estimated cost for the missed meal into a MISS A MEAL FOR MISSIONS BOX that upon your request we will give to you...'

`...Alternatively, if you and other participants do not intend to miss a meal, you can continue to pray for mission needs and contribute the cost of the supposedly missed meal for missions in the designated box...'"

heehee. For all of us with weak wills and strong stomachs, the MISS A MEAL FOR MISSIONS BOX!

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Flippant

I finished posting a comment on somebody else's blog and instinctly reached over for my coffee mug. Typically, there wasn't a drop of coffee left in the mug. Untypically, there was a finger-tip sized blob of dark brown nastiness clinging to the bottom edge of the mug. It gave me a fright. What was it? A cockroach? Old solidified coffee? Something still alive? A shrivelled decomposed lizard?

And then it slowly dawned on me - it was a raisin! It fell from my bread while I was buttering my toast on top of my mug. What sweet relief! Now I am considering eating the dark brown blob of nastiness. :)

I write flippantly here. The comment I just posted on Singabloodypore's blog was about the death penalty. I've been thinking about it recently, and may post my thoughts here at some point.

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Year of the Rooster

The funniest thing I've heard this Chinese New Year is this -

"Biggest Cock Erection spotted at Chinatown", and in the same post -

"Singapore rooster can lay egg one."

There will be just no getting around the jokes this year.

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My lap is waiting

I have to admit it. I'm the kind of gal where things just fall in her lap. I've never had to sweat or plan too much to get what I want. I make decisions in light of circumstances, rather than in spite of circumstances. I am usually content with whatever comes along, cos I like to believe that God has a hand in my life.

So what do I do when things stop falling in my lap? Do I assume that I just need to be content with where I am, or fight for something I am still not sure that I want? Does anyone have a road map, or do I have to grope in the dark?

Dear God, I am putting up new road signs to my lap just in case you accidentally threw my lap into the lake of forgetfulness along with my multitude of sins. I don't want you to go fishing around in the lake of forgetfulness for my lap in case you remember all my horrible sins and decide that you might as well throw my soul in as well, so I'm giving you an alternate route to my lap. I am really sorry about even mentioning my lap in this prayer, as if you are a great Santa Claus, but I can't help it, I'm desperate. That is why I pray, in answer to this guy's question. I guess you have to throw this prayer in the lake of forgetfulness as well, now that I've mentioned Santa Claus, but please remember me, for I am only a speck of talking, pleading dust. I do love you, under all my pretentiousness, pride and ego. In Jesus' name, Amen.

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