Emotional resilience = Nil

I start teaching next week. I'm seriously wondering if I have the emotional resilience to deal with it right now.

I was waiting for my dinner at the coffeeshop earlier. They were really packed, and so I waited about 40 minutes, standing by the road with my heavy laptop bag. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a traffic police jumped out of a van and started punching in the numbers to "summon" the car right beside me. The stall keepers noticed and started yelling out "Summon! Summon!" This middle-aged man noticed it a little late, but still managed to get to his car on time. He drove his car away. When he came back later, he made a comment to the stall keeper that "people who wait for their food never say anything when they see the summon man coming." What the heck! Is it my fault you didn't hear the stall keeper yelling? How am I supposed to know that it is your car? If you want to park your car there, you bloody well keep an eye on your own car!

Then I realised that people coming in ten minutes ago were already getting their food, while I was standing there waiting for 40 minutes, and it made me madder. And then when I got home, and the house was empty, I cried.

Things like this don't usually bother me. I'm just not well enough or strong enough right now, and I'm afraid of breaking down in front of the class over some stupid thing. Like a PMSing woman, like a pregnant woman, like someone whom I don't want to be.

I want to go for a run so that the stress can drain away. It is the fifteenth day of Chinese New Year and there is a perfect moon hanging in the deep blue night sky. And there is a strong wind making the immense pine trees sway. But I have an essay to write.

I want a miracle.