My friend committed suicide two days ago.
Since then, I've been through the whole gamut of emotions: shock, disbelief, guilt and then slowly, grief. I hardly slept the night I found out. At that time, all I knew was that she had suddenly passed away, but that was enough to make me toss and turn all night long, wondering what happened. It is a horrible thing to hear your phone beep, look at it and think, "Oh it is your friend," then open the message later only to find out that, no, it isn't your friend at all, it is her sister, and your friend has passed on. Then you feel a shock that goes to the very core of you, and suddenly it is empty, hollow, and it feels like you have swapped the real world for a living nightmare.
I felt guilty immediately. Why didn't I show more warmth and concern as a friend? Last week, I got carried away by the million and one things that were going on, forgetting the people I was with. If I wasn't so preoccupied, would it have made a difference? Would I have reached out, just that little bit more?
I went for the wake — twice, actually, because when I went in the morning, the casket company had not set up, so I had to go back again in the evening because I needed some resolution — I needed to see something — but when I was finally standing in front of the coffin, there wasn't anything — no grief, no thoughts, nothing — only a few words mumbled in prayer.
It was only today, when I came out of the MRT station, and I remembered how we used to meet right at this spot, remembered how she would invariably spot me before I could spot her, remembered our conversations as we walked together to the bus stop to take the bus, remembered her voice, that I missed her and the tears came.
Life goes on, slowly. I don't want to talk about the details; it is not my place to share so please don't ask; the truth is that while I've been thinking about her and her family more than I've been thinking about myself, I can't write about any of that; I can write only this, an observer's reaction to a tragedy.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Guilt/ Fear/ Grief
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11 comments:
i'm so sorry...
Oh dear, so sorry!
i am so sorry for your loss. I have lost two friends in my near 40 years. One to suicide and one to a medical condition. It is never easy. Be patient with yourself and your feelings.
Gosh I'm sorry to hear this. I'll be praying for you and her family. That's heartbreaking.
May the God of peace wrap you and your friend's family in His loving arms, and dry your tears.
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
I've lost two friends to suicide. Years ago. It still hurts.
Thank you for sharing this. It amazes me that you're able to write about it at all. That shows a lot of strength. It will help you.
Definitely praying for you.
I wish I knew how to make it better but I will certainly pray for God to be there for you all, to provide you peace when you need it and allow you to grieve when you need that also. Such a tragedy and I do understand (I think) how difficult it can be to wrap your head around that and share it with others. Please take care of yourself. We all love you!
Oh, sweetie...it sounds like y'all were really close. I know you will miss your friend.
Like Mark said, be patient with yourself and your feelings.
Let the love of the Father wash over you and just breathe Him in.
I'll be praying for you and your friend's family.
*HUG
Thank you, friends.. for your kind comments and for hearing me out. It helps to define the feelings. It keeps it from being overwhelming... And I'm really bad about talking about how I feel, so it helps to write.
Reality still feels a bit warped. I suppose I have to be patient, as Mark says...
oh dear girl, i am so sorry to hear this....i feel so bad for you. know that i am thinking about you and praying for your and the family's comfort.
Brenda (in Arizona)
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