One hour to lunch and I've done no work

I have been an absolute bum about work recently. Yesterday I whittled my time away surfing the web and twiddling my thumbs, today I spent the morning talking to my colleagues about the MSM concert last night, writing hm a long email, drinking milky coffee and eating beehoon, updating my blog, and watching my fish swim. What buminess! Especially since I woke up this morning and resolved to finish the youth report that I've been putting off! Oh, the best laid plans of mice and men (and I'm definitely a mouse with mouse-sized plans) gang 'oft awry.

The concert hall at the Espanade was awesome. We sat at the Circle 3 seats at the highest and furthest point of the Hall. Walking down the side steps at this height gave me thoughts of my body hurtling down to the seats below in a dramatic death. But it didn't happen. obviously, and the music played on. I had a genuinely good time. I think it was a welcome relief from the bothersome, introspective, self-bashing thoughts that weighed me down the last three days, and I was happy to be simply one person in a concert hall listening to music. They say Happiness was one of the chief goals of the Methodists, along with Love. But of course their version of happiness is like "holy happiness" or something like that.

I have a new article on Talkingcock. I've written quite a few since the first one. The Rich man one has been the most popular.

Alright. Back to work, erm, really.

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Fill in the blanks

I am not: 16 anymore
I love: my friends and family
I hate: people who trick old folks
I fear: not succeeding
I hope: for a happy ending
I hear: bubbling from the fish tank and the hum of my computer
I crave: for a simple life
I regret: my course of study
I cry: at church
I care: tremendously, but I’ve forgotten
I always: look up the HDB block for falling potted plants
I believe: in God
I feel alone: on Friday nights
I listen: and feel helpless
I hide: so I won’t hurt others.
I drive: erm.. a bicycle?
I sing: haltingly
I dance: even more haltingly
I write: to feel better about myself
I miss: Old friends, my sister, college life, Bible Study, the smell of spring, driving a car
I search: for my missing hands-free set
I learn: that life doesn’t turn out the way you’ve always imagined it to be
I feel: forgotten
I know: that my parents love me
I say: “I don’t know”
I succeed: “I don’t know”
I dream: always
I want: the best deal
I have: 19 neon tetras, 4 orange-striped fish and 1 sucker fish
I give: you $2 if you will ask me for it
I fell: too many times already
I fight: when I feel snubbed
I need: reassurance
I laugh: and it brings hope

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Ha ha! Check this out! From the archives of The Onion:

Finger-Quotes Lady Now Doing Hand Parentheses
LINCOLN, NE—Finger-quotes lady Ann Hahn, 41, has added hand parentheses to her hand-punctuation repertoire, sources reported Monday. "I ran into Ann in the breakroom, and she told me Mindy Lewis wasn't at work last Friday because she was sick," coworker Edward Felk said. "Then she cups her hands and adds, 'from drinking too much.' Who does that?" Added Felk: "What's next, thumb commas?"

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too much computer.

tired of transfering information from book to brain to computer screen and trying to get my brain to weedle out the definitions of nominal and notional Christian. i feel the strain in my shoulders creeping up to my neck, like the spider-like invasion of enemy troops in virgin territory.

i just finished reading the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. What an excellent book! In Return of the King, Aragon and Faramir were portrayed as men who could "command both man and beast", who held sway the hearts of men. When they were having the last debate as to whether they should make a death march against Mordor, Aragon said that he will go, but he could not command anyone else to do so. To which Prince Ithilien replied, "You may not consider yourself my king, but I consider you my liege-lord. Your desire is therefore my command." Such were the power and influence of the captains of men! Gandalf said that there were some in their company, meaning Aragon, Gimli, Legolas, that were worth "more than a thousand knights in mail". There was an intrinsic, attractive, powerful, wise, and wonderful quality about them that separated them from the rest. The king was said to have "hands of healing" that could bring those out from the shadow of evil.

Which made me think.. Is Christ this attractive to men? If Christ is this attractive, his comment that his yoke is easy makes sense in spite of his demand that we carry the cross of death. Prince Ithilien and the soldiers would not have been able, let alone want to, lay seige on Mordor, yet Aragon inspired their hearts with courage and his presence and leadership made it possible for them to do the impossible. If so, the demands of Christ becomes easy! Not because they are intrinsically easy - how is it even humanly possible to die to the self? - but because Christ inspires our heart with courage and love for him, and we simply follow. Interesting to think that it says, "take up your cross and follow me", and not just "take up your cross."

The Bible verses are not as clear in my brain these days.

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wrestle with me til the day breaks over the eastern sky
when wren and lion meet in the twain.
i'll sing you a love song of candy and roses
and kiss your sweet lips again and again.

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I looked up this morning, saw a helen-shaped person walk by the pantry and said hello. It's interesting how the mind works in associating shapes, sounds and smells with names, places and events.

The bus today was quiet and conducive to mulling over the week's events. Thought about a hundred things that I will probably never think about again, like whether B Tambunan understood me when I spoke to him in Chinese, or the possibility of having an office badminton event and if B will get a special rate for the court, and how P Teo is older than most of the bishops , and how the idea of Bps on treadmills during their meeting seems silly on hindsight. Pondered about whether it is really necessary to make a mistake to learn, about how I almost missed the handrail on the bus cos they put in these new funky shaped yellow handrails when I've grown accustomed to the normal straight ones. True, I didn't miss it on the way down, but can that be considered "learning"? Or is it only "adapting"? Thought about S and her comment about the train taking faster in the morning than the evenings. I've always known that about my trip to and from work, but I've always blamed it on traffic and the empty bus lanes in the morning.

And so I mulled my way to work.

Had Chee Cheong Fan for breakfast today while typing this entry, and a cup of milky coffee. I'm getting to like this coffee in the morning business. :) Last night, when I saw a pack of instant coffee in my kitchen, I actually felt happy and an urge to open a pack to drink. Perhaps this is what addiction is like. I bet you can addicted to people too.

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releasing tension

30 minutes to lunch. I'm obviously at a stand-still place at work.

yesterday i ran 4km and did 50 pushups, 50 tripcep pushups (i hate those!), 50 situps, 50 leg raisers and 8 log lifts. It was great! :) Apart from the fact that by the time i finished jogging and started dinner it was already 10pm. But the clarity of mind a long exhausting jog gives you! It felt like some of the gunk in my brain was taken away, and i remembered the things that truly mattered.

I plan to be able to run 10km by the end of the year. Gasp. The thought of that frightens me.

Do you think anyone reads this site?

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The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

Narrator: "Joining Larry are Pa Grape and Mr. Lunt, who together make up the infamous gang of scalliwags, the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!"
Larry, Pa, Mr. Lunt: "We are the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay home and lie around. And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you ..."
Larry: "We don't do anything!"
Pa: "Well, I've never been Greenland and I've never been to Denver, and I've never buried treasure in St. Louis or St. Paul, and I've never been to Moscow and I've never been to Tampa, and I've never been to Boston in the fall."
All: "'Cuz we're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay home and lie around. And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you.."
Mr. Lunt: "We don't do anything. And I never hoist the mainstay and I never swab the poop deck, and I never veer to starboard 'cuz I never sail at all, and I've never walked the gang plank and I've never owned a parrot, and I've never been to Boston in the fall."
All: "'Cuz we're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay at home and lie around. And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you.. We don't do anything!"
Larry: "Well, I've never plucked a rooster and I'm not too good at
ping-pong, and I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall, and I've never kissed a chipmunk and I've never gotten head lice, and I've never been to Boston in the fall!"
Pa: "Huh? What are you talking about? What's a rooster and mashed
potatoes have to do with being a pirate??"
Mr. Lunt: "Hey, that's right! We're supposed to sing about pirate-y things!"
Larry: "Oh ..."
Pa: "And who ever kissed a chipmunk? That's just nonsense! Why even bring it up? Am I right? What do you think?"
Mr. Lunt: "I think you look like Cap'n Crunch!"
Pa: "Huh? No I don't!"
Mr. Lunt: "Do too."
Pa: "Do not!"
Mr. Lunt: "You're making me hungry."
Pa: "That's it, you're walkin' the plank!"
Mr. Lunt: "Says who?"
Pa: "Says the captain, that's who!"
Mr. Lunt: "Oh, yeah? Aye aye, Cap'n Crunch!"
Larry: "And I've never licked a spark plug and I've never sniffed a stink bug, and I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball, and I've never bathed in yogurt and I don't look good in leggings ..."
Pa: "You just don't get it!"
All: "And we've never been to Boston in the fall!"

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I am feeling a need to gripe, but I don't want to let it out on my friends or colleagues. My friends have enough to deal with on their own, and my woes sound so miniscule beside theirs.

I have blown my food budget this month. What shall I do? I have all these things that are priorities in my life - like my colleague's last day of work today, and A's birthday, and wanting to buy stuff for friends, and shoes and sandals falling apart - but not enough money to support these priorities. And worse, there doesn't look like there is going to be an increment. I am deathly afraid that if I just blink my eyes, 12 years would have passed me by and I will still be at this job, at the same miserable pay. J commented once that what they don't give me in money, they give me in office space. ha ha. how true.

Do I gripe about money a lot? Have i become shallow and materialistic? I'm not sure, frankly.

I've got to go - the team is coming next week and I have work out of the wazoo. Have to prepare keynote address, talk on M, arrange transport and logistics, call people, and this is not even taking in to account the Y project that is sitting on my shelf uncompleted, collecting dust. That ought to have been out beginning of this year but there is simply no time and i can't get the P's cooperation.

But enough for now. If you have two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf with one and a lily with the other, cos you're just screwed.

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I had a wonderful evening yesteday.

Went for a jog with S through SGH, and did 50 push-ups, 50 sit-ups and 50 tricep push-ups. My muscles ache today. Went home to heat up porridge to eat with spicy pork cubes (my sis introduced me to them. it's really quite yummy. you can't tell from its unglamourous name at all), stir-fried broccoli and acha.

Then I finished summarising "State, Society and Religious Engineering: Towards a Reformist Buddhism in Singapore" by Kuah-Pearce Khun Eng, read a bit of "The Two Towers", played around and then fell soundly and happily asleep. I think I will remember this evening in 20 years. Good memories stick. Bad ones too though.

j's film and a's birthday are falling on the same day! I'm torn. I want to be at two places at one time and I don't know what to do. I guess when it comes down to it I will have to forego the film.

I would like a job that pays me better.

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and yes talking cock is still down...

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I am very tired. And still in a fairly bad mood. The good feelings of the past two weeks have dissipated, leaving me quite grouchy and very sleepy.

today i will be going to play badminton with my colleagues at 8pm. it feels weird because of this other colleague - i can't figure out whether she has anything against me. Of course it wouldn't matter if i had nothing to do with her, but she is on good terms with another collegue whom i am rather fond of. and now it seems like i have become an intrusion in their happy relationship. how drammatic and secondary-school-ish! But it bothers me. :S

I am hoping a good rousing game of badminton would do me good.

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do the funky chicken

the very first time I write an article, the website goes down! i am curious what talkingcock did to it. i am expecting that it would be funnier and better since i wrote it in all of 5 minutes and was rather embarrassed about it the next day.

i'm home. its a different feeling to be home and online than to be at the office online. i've been in a funky mood for many reasons, none of which i wish to elaborate here. so it puts me in a halfway sad and very precocious mood, likely to shoot my trap.

i have many sandfly bites on my feet. :(

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there is nothing online about the last service of c. chapel. there are no stories, no goodbyes, nothing. and all i have left is a webpage from the past.

what was it like, that last service? i remember the first service in the refurbished sports hall. it is terribly sad to me.

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Tamil poetry part 1
Where is my poem, the poem I had written and folded in my dreams?
Oh mother! Did it dissolve before my waking eyes?

Tamil poetry part 2
It only takes you a moment to say No.
To bear the hurt I will have to be born again and again and again
Oh! What will your answer be?
Is it fair to shut the windows against the sandal(wood) breeze?
Your eyes are silent.
Is that their answer to my love's question?
A second is enough, sweetheart, to declare my love.
To prove it will take a lifetime!

What kind of night receives no light even after sunrise? -
Your hair which smells of flowers.
Which part of the world stays bright even after darkness has fallen everywhere?
Your eyes in which the rays of the sun leap.
Beauties of the world let us get together and wash her feet.

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