dealing with guilt

I have been keeping myself from becoming mind-numbingly bored at work by

1. Blogging, reading blogs, learning html, and other related activities;
2. Daydreaming about doing runs I've never done before;
3. Surfing for swanky gadgets that I'll never buy; and
4. Looking forward to meeting my friends for after-work activities.

But there is a caveat: before you may harness the wonder of the above-mentioned solutions, you must first deal with the inevitable guilt. Until and unless you can deal with the guilt, the solutions will only make you feel worse. It would be a horrible roller coaster –- feel dead, feel like scum, feel dead, feel like scum, feel like dead scum, and then all over again.

I'm not sure why I don't feel guilty anymore.(Maybe I've crossed the line of no-return in scuminess!) In fact, I'm less often plagued with guilt now as compared with two years ago. Is it part of growing older and being capable of fancier and more "righteous" justifications? I'm not sure.

Two days ago, a four year old toddler fell to her death while her grandmother was out buying breakfast. I've been thinking a lot about her grandmother, and the awful, terrible guilt she must be feeling right now. I wish time could be turned back for their sakes –- I wish things could be made right in a Ctrl-Z kinda way –- just undo the whole horrible episode -- what silver lining or God's purpose can there be in episodes like these? But no, life is not like that, and I can only pray for her family.

The Catholics have a poignant liturgy they repeat at mass:

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

(In Greek: Kyrie eleison / Christe eleison / Kyrie eleison)

It seems so little compared to their loss, and I don't know how it could possibly be enough for them; but in a selfish way, I don't ever want to know the real meaning of "my grace is sufficient for you," if you know what I mean.

Kyrie eleison.