When I left US six years ago, it felt like I died. I gave away everything I owned -- the little red Honda, the guitar I loved that kept me company on many walks in the woods -- in fact, I gave away both my guitars to dear friends in my time here. I gave away all my winter clothes, all the money in my bank account, all my knick knacks, settled all my accounts, and said goodbye to everybody dear to me.
Now, six years later, on a visit to the US, I find bits of my old life floating back to me. A throw jamie oliver gave me eight years ago, my plain white dishes that I love, ny old computer monitor, old photos, a metronym from childhood when the fear of piano teachers terrorised. It is a strange feeling. I meet my friends, hug them, and it is as if the distance and time of six long years melts away into something manageable. Quickly we fall into old routines: old nicknames, a glance, a question, a comforting familiar touch, staying up all night talking talking and talking because in the morning we leave.
The opportunity to connect with another person is so precious. Sometimes I'm tired, sick and just want to go to bed -- I've unfortunately been sick for about a week now; I hate falling sick on holidays but it seems like I always do, bleah - but the moment is precious and I know that if I don't grab it now, I don't know if it will be there in 5 years time.
While I was away, a lady at the church where I was died. So did the father of a friend. One had MS, the other cancer. While I was away, my friends have hooked up, gotten married, and more often than not, a kid, or two, or three, and they are always so adorable. Suddenly we visit and we are craddling babies in our arms, or watching over toddler boys when there were none before. Suddenly, a dear friend is struggling with depression; suddenly, I am in touch again.
I hate leaving. It is like being torn up in many pieces and leaving bits all over the place, but this leaving will never be as horrible as that first and final leaving 6 years ago. That last drive to the airport was like a funeral dirge. How does a person survive these things? I suppose God made us pretty resilient.
I appreciate those of you who come by here to read, even if I've never met you. The opportunity to connect with you is precious to me.
7 comments:
I'd like to believe that letting go of things/people we've grown to love does not necessarily mean we lose them but an opportunity for us to seek a whole new experience, be it meeting new friends, building a new life or getting a new job... at least, that's how I comfort myself everytime I need to give up something.
Hi, I'll be sending you something at your gmail address. Thanks!
It's Lucy again!
Milktea is onto something...I don't like to think of "goodbye" as forever, although sometimes it is.
I am curious, why did you leave the US and do you have plans to return? Were you raised in the US, or Singapore?
It's neat to hear about the reunion with old friends and to a lesser extent, old stuff (which really just serves to remind you of old times with old friends, I suppose). Get well soon!! And happy, safe travels for the rest of your journey.
Yeah, and within 2,000 miles of PA but not letting me take you to lunch! some people. ;-)
I've often wondered about how we survive those things. I think God wired us for long term connected relationships and that it is like dying when those ties get severed (temporarily or permanently). I know lots of people would disagree with what I've said above, but if you look at most of the history of the human race, there wasn't this hyper-mobility that we have now. It's only in the last 50 or 75 years (that's one life span!) that it's happened. I'll be curious to see how long this experiment at disconnectedness lasts. Maybe we're not as resilient as we think.
awww..... *warm fuzzy feeling*
milktea, I agree. I have moved on in many ways and have found happiness in different things and people, but I hate moving on all the same, especially when I have to take the initative to do it..
Hey Lucy, will check my gmail soon!
Gwynne, I am Singaporean and went to the US to study and work, altogether spending 5 years there. It is surprising how much of a life you can build up in that time...
Eric, I beg your pardon. I will repent by coming to visit your blog everyday. Btw, I got to have chicken fried steak twice while I was in the US. The second one wasn't good though -- it had a thick brown mushroom gravy that ruined it -- but the baked potato saved the day.
Jim, I like your phrase `hypermobility' and I think what you say hits the nail on the head. Who I feel really sorry for are the women who leave their families to become nurses and maids all over the world so as to support their family. Their stories about how their children eventually "forget" them is heartwrenching.
Re: long term connected relationships, maybe that is what heaven is for? :)
Brenda, the US is insanely big. How far away is your friend?
Smudgi3, :). I know this doesn't really connect, but my stop over was in Korea and I thought of you and your love for things Japanese. Have you ever thought of pursuing something along those lines? Would you like to learn the language and work over there? I am sure your command of English will be prized.
Re: long term connected relationships. I think that is what heaven is for... but not only heaven. I think that's what life here and now is for. I think that's what He mean: "I have come that they may have life, and have it more abundantly."
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