Orderly chaos

Somehow being at work in front of a fast computer calms me. I think it is because of an illusive sense of control. There are emails to reply, registration forms to fill up, phone calls to answer—little duties that give order, structure and focus.

At night, it doesn't feel this way. When I lie in bed trying to distract my wandering mind with a story book, I feel like a small child lost in a very large universe. Have you ever stood at the edge of the Grand Canyon? Or in a large field on a dark night where the sky stretches forever? It feels like that. As if my tiny cognizant being is about to be swallowed up by everything that exists.

It takes all my will power to remember that it is okay. Life is a bit like the traffic in Medan, Indonesia—cars, motorbikes, bicycles, richshaws, pedestrians going as they please in every direction, honking and overtaking and going against oncoming traffic; yet remarkably, the drivers are less stressed than the average driver back home. Chaotic, but manageable.

I can cope with that.