I'm strangely disconnected from myself these days. I feel caught up in an endless spiral of whats and hows — what time do I have to be where to do what? — and going through day after day without the slightest idea why. I find it hard to pin joy down. I do the things I remember that trigger this fleeting feeling — I run into the setting sun; I have dinner with a friend; I talk on the phone; I read a funny book — but all it does is touch my soul for the briefest moment, and then it leaves, abandoning me to a vague feeling of emptiness that is not quite fully empty.
The heart is a muscle. It grows stronger with exercise. The more you love and care for someone in a selfless way, the stronger it grows and the more capable you become of love. I know this for a fact. And also this: that mine is choked with selfishness. Once in a while something breaks through and I care for someone other than myself, and then I worry if it is too late, and then I write posts like these.
I have the mind of a machine that calculates, nay, predicts the future with startling dispassionate accuracy.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Disconnect
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3 comments:
Odd. The first paragraph reflects almost exactly what I was explaining to someone last night regarding my own feelings. Thank you for putting into words what I struggled to describe on my own. A lack of creativity and descriptive dialog plagues me.
How interesting that you should feel the same way. Though I think we are all plagued by it sooner or later. Thank you for your comment..
I love your posts like this...you do a great job of capturing those difficult to describe feelings. And how I can relate!
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