I have a confession to make: I am a bloody finicky woman.
I get a thrill saying that. Saying that seems so mean and wrong. But I can say what I want about myself.
I am not finicky because I can't make up my mind -- I did make up my mind a long time ago -- but rather, having made up my mind, I find that my heart (that twat romantic construct) is in pieces all over the place, and the pieces cannot be found. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall; Humpty Dumpty had a great fall; All the king's soliders and all the king's men, couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again. I am scattered like that pollen grass that blows in the wind.
Things will settle down. Memory is a double-edged sword. One day, I suppose, the memories will be sweet.
"Dear Fox, old friend, thus have we come to the end of the road that we were to go together... and so farewell.
But before I go, I have just one more thing to tell you.
Something has spoken in the night, burning the tapers of the waning year; something has spoken in the night, and told me I shall die. I know now where. Saying:
“To lose the earth you know, for greater knowing; to lose the life you have, for greater life; to leave the friends you loved, for greater loving; to find a land more kind than home, more large than earth –
– Whereon the pillars of this earth are founded, toward which the conscience of the world is tending – a wind is rising, and the rivers flow.” Thomas Wolfe
2 comments:
some people say they can't ever have children because they can't deal with the pain of what may come after - teenage years, losing them, protecting them from the world. rather wierd isn't it? i say you got to love what you have, keep loving what you've lost and pray that you can look forward to whatever comes next.
"got to love what you have, keep loving what you've lost and pray that you can look forward to whatever comes next."
very true.. one of my early prayers was that God would give me a bigger heart, that being in a metaphorical sense of course :). I think it requires a remarkable God-given selflessness to love that which you have lost, and that which is not yours. i think that is the meaning of "love your neighbour as yourself". thanks for the thoughtful comment...
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